i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
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