when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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