How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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