ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
