well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Randomize
