I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
i just sent this text using only my big toe
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
