apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Randomize
