Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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