there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
