Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
