I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Randomize
