DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
