Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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