I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
