she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
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