Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
she pinky promised me she was 18
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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