she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
She told me I should be a condom model.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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