I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
