she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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