im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
