I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
