if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
