Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Randomize
