how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
