One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
