Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Randomize
