I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
