It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
