On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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