it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
