I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
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