Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
