she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
