So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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