I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
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