I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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