Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
