Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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