Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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