So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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