So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
