he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
