Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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