i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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