you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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