Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
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