why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
