As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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