you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
