That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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