Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
