I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Randomize
