Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
